rainy days seem to hurt the worst

Spring is on it's way as it ushers in a rainy, March day. Having to leave my warm, dry home is the worst. But for me, this is the first public commitment I have made in two years. I went to a women's bible study. I am 54 years old, and have been to many a bible study, so this is not a new adventure for me. I have been working on it the past couple of days. It is about overcoming spiritual obstacles. So needless to say, the knife of guilt started twisting in my stomach. The self centeredness, humiliation, self-exaltation, pridefulness, faultfinding, and everything else I had conjured up in mind mind of wrongdoing. Oh, that is what the study is on, not me! We went over some fairly common Perils of Pride out of the bible. Between the BPD and childhood PTSD, I was feeling misunderstood without opening my mouth. Why, that is how I receive my back-handed self-esteem. Tricks I learned in life's survival manual for someone with a weak forehand. After I swallowed my pride, I decided to give the discussion a chance before making a final judgment. I was being tested out of the starting gate--Lord, give me strength! The leader brought up an example of a 40-year-old woman who had recently committed suicide. (The ultimate act of selfishness!!) I stated that I had survived three suicide attempts, much to my dismay. She didn't know this and could tell she was on rocky ground. I told the group that I never felt less than a believer of Christ and it was His will that I was still here. Suicide is not the ultimate act of selfishness--ignorance and intolerance are. Just bc you don't live it, doesn't mean it's not real, just like other incurable illnesses. I stood up for myself and my cause. What more could turn the gray skies sunny!!

the changing of time

Time doesn't change. Just the illusion of daylight. Twice a year my dog has to adjust her feeding time.  Two times a year, I have to adjust my medication time. Spring should be my first thought, but it falls to number three. I have never been much of a fan of spring. My allergies, the dampness, fluctuating temps ... I feel the best in summer and fall! It is easier to be positive on the gorgeous days. Looking forward to warmer temperatures and positive thoughts ~

I was lost, but now I'm found ~

Wow! It has been a few years since I have been to my blog. I have to say that I miss it. I spend time on Pinterest and Facebook. If anyone is interested, you may follow me at www.pinterest.com/lori711. I am using a tablet, instead of my computer, which makes it hard to see what I am typing. I'll need a few days to acclimate myself to blog mode. Please bear with me at this time. Thanks

a lonely companion

I am feeling tired and depressed. I just can't handle the cold weather and lack of sunshine. You would think with an arsonal of meds, I would be able to take on winter. Ugh!

The Blue blues

fI woke to a beautiful blue, morning sky, just screaming at me to get up! I covered my eyes and ears to avoid the obvious.  But something was painfully wrong with this picture. The screaming in my head continued and I realized it was my grandson just wanting me to get up. Thankfully, grandpa took him to breakfast so I could catch a few more zzz's! When they arrived home in two hours, I knew that I would not be getting out of bed today. It had happened. I tried to deny for weeks, but, it slammed me into immediate guilt--I was in a full-blown depressive state. What had started out as the "blues" last week, now had taken on a definite shape. A fog, devoid of color and creativity. Who I am had come to a screeching halt!
Time for auto-pilot to kick in. First, find a show to entertain my grandson, scattered with snacks and juice boxes. Second, make the cancellation calls while still in a lucid state. Cancel dinner plans, call in sick for teaching Sunday School and get someone to pick-up teaching materials. Check.
Two days of accountability taken care of. It's amazing how fast I can coordinate getting out of obligations, when I'm depressed, but yet so draining to move forward.
For, now, depression has kicked my butt. I'll take some time to sleep and figure a plan out of this.

My hearts

Valentine hearts bring a smile to my face ;-) First, I love pink, red, fushcia, peach, and purple! Now, those colors inspire me to be creative. I had a great time cutting, glueing, stringing, and framing hearts. I, also, had a delicious time eating some dark, chocolate hearts ~ Yum!

Winter Blues

I am so tired of winter. Blahs have turned to the blues. It has been too cold to even go anywhere; if, I even felt like it. Combine the cold, gray weather with the fact the I have three Child Care review classes in one week and you get mood swings. I completed First Aid tonight; next week Child Abuse on Valentine's Monday and more on Thursday night. I teach preschool on Tuesday afternoons. It seems like too much review for too little teaching. Well, the next time I come back, I pray that I am not feeling so blue.