rainy days seem to hurt the worst

Spring is on it's way as it ushers in a rainy, March day. Having to leave my warm, dry home is the worst. But for me, this is the first public commitment I have made in two years. I went to a women's bible study. I am 54 years old, and have been to many a bible study, so this is not a new adventure for me. I have been working on it the past couple of days. It is about overcoming spiritual obstacles. So needless to say, the knife of guilt started twisting in my stomach. The self centeredness, humiliation, self-exaltation, pridefulness, faultfinding, and everything else I had conjured up in mind mind of wrongdoing. Oh, that is what the study is on, not me! We went over some fairly common Perils of Pride out of the bible. Between the BPD and childhood PTSD, I was feeling misunderstood without opening my mouth. Why, that is how I receive my back-handed self-esteem. Tricks I learned in life's survival manual for someone with a weak forehand. After I swallowed my pride, I decided to give the discussion a chance before making a final judgment. I was being tested out of the starting gate--Lord, give me strength! The leader brought up an example of a 40-year-old woman who had recently committed suicide. (The ultimate act of selfishness!!) I stated that I had survived three suicide attempts, much to my dismay. She didn't know this and could tell she was on rocky ground. I told the group that I never felt less than a believer of Christ and it was His will that I was still here. Suicide is not the ultimate act of selfishness--ignorance and intolerance are. Just bc you don't live it, doesn't mean it's not real, just like other incurable illnesses. I stood up for myself and my cause. What more could turn the gray skies sunny!!

the changing of time

Time doesn't change. Just the illusion of daylight. Twice a year my dog has to adjust her feeding time.  Two times a year, I have to adjust my medication time. Spring should be my first thought, but it falls to number three. I have never been much of a fan of spring. My allergies, the dampness, fluctuating temps ... I feel the best in summer and fall! It is easier to be positive on the gorgeous days. Looking forward to warmer temperatures and positive thoughts ~

I was lost, but now I'm found ~

Wow! It has been a few years since I have been to my blog. I have to say that I miss it. I spend time on Pinterest and Facebook. If anyone is interested, you may follow me at www.pinterest.com/lori711. I am using a tablet, instead of my computer, which makes it hard to see what I am typing. I'll need a few days to acclimate myself to blog mode. Please bear with me at this time. Thanks

a lonely companion

I am feeling tired and depressed. I just can't handle the cold weather and lack of sunshine. You would think with an arsonal of meds, I would be able to take on winter. Ugh!

The Blue blues

fI woke to a beautiful blue, morning sky, just screaming at me to get up! I covered my eyes and ears to avoid the obvious.  But something was painfully wrong with this picture. The screaming in my head continued and I realized it was my grandson just wanting me to get up. Thankfully, grandpa took him to breakfast so I could catch a few more zzz's! When they arrived home in two hours, I knew that I would not be getting out of bed today. It had happened. I tried to deny for weeks, but, it slammed me into immediate guilt--I was in a full-blown depressive state. What had started out as the "blues" last week, now had taken on a definite shape. A fog, devoid of color and creativity. Who I am had come to a screeching halt!
Time for auto-pilot to kick in. First, find a show to entertain my grandson, scattered with snacks and juice boxes. Second, make the cancellation calls while still in a lucid state. Cancel dinner plans, call in sick for teaching Sunday School and get someone to pick-up teaching materials. Check.
Two days of accountability taken care of. It's amazing how fast I can coordinate getting out of obligations, when I'm depressed, but yet so draining to move forward.
For, now, depression has kicked my butt. I'll take some time to sleep and figure a plan out of this.

My hearts

Valentine hearts bring a smile to my face ;-) First, I love pink, red, fushcia, peach, and purple! Now, those colors inspire me to be creative. I had a great time cutting, glueing, stringing, and framing hearts. I, also, had a delicious time eating some dark, chocolate hearts ~ Yum!

Winter Blues

I am so tired of winter. Blahs have turned to the blues. It has been too cold to even go anywhere; if, I even felt like it. Combine the cold, gray weather with the fact the I have three Child Care review classes in one week and you get mood swings. I completed First Aid tonight; next week Child Abuse on Valentine's Monday and more on Thursday night. I teach preschool on Tuesday afternoons. It seems like too much review for too little teaching. Well, the next time I come back, I pray that I am not feeling so blue.

Brain food

The weather has been cold, snowy, and gray. Some of my worst enemies. Some days, I don't even get out of my pajamas or even take a shower. (Have I typed that before?) On an icy night, last week, I decided to make rich, fudge brownies. Now, this is not something that I normally do at 9:00 p.m. Mostly, because I don't like to eat anything after dinner, and also, because it was just comfort food. What's the expression--feed the depression, starve the anxiety or is it the other way around?! Regardless, I ate the brownie and did not feel the least bit guilty! I guess that means that I don't always have to follow my rules ;-)

Dust off the cobwebs!

It has been a long time since I have posted on or even read my blog. I must say that the cobwebs of my mind are no longer so negative. Time has been good to me. My mental health has definitely improved and the credit goes to God. Letting go and letting Him work through me has made a tremendous difference in my mood. Now, I feel that I can be more objective while dealing with Mental Disorders. Looking forward to a great year, full of changes ;-)

spring

I absolutely love the time change in March. I feel winter would be so much better if we had more light in the evening. I have some crocuses, tulips, and lilies peaking their way through the cold earth. I have had to keep myself from digging around in my gardens until it's warmer. The leaves are still protecting some plants from freezing. But, my hands are definitely itching to start digging in the dirt!

To be crazy, or not to be crazy--that's my question

I have been told, I am not crazy for the way I "feel". See, the way I "feel" IS what makes me think I am crazy ~ Platitudes of "I promise you'll feel better. It just takes awhile for the medicine to start working in your system" just doesn't get me far today (and Dr. Baskin knows it!) Twenty years I have been a fairly compliant patient ~ I haven't experienced Oprah's "Aha" moment once, but several earth-shattering revelations ago. Because I attach feelings to moments in my life, I stay on constant receptor mode. Waiting for the next flood of emotion. Kelly told me that it is fairly symptomatic of the borderline personality disorder.

I saw Kelly today because I had a mini-melt down yesterday. An increase in anxiety and paranoia, I heard "voices" and felt it necessary to end my life. It's just part of my overall plan for my "life". So in other words, yesterday SUCKED ~ and today's not much better. Made worse by the fact that my family is tired of being "understanding". Yes, they know that I have been in new treatment for about a month, "but, hell, shouldn't you be better by now." If I have to explain it once more, I'll puke. The roller coaster of my life (mind) travels all day, every day, months, years. It is all I can remember. I pray others can see my existence differently, maybe, softer around the edges.

I feel cracked, chipped, and worn down. A broken mirror of myself.

The road less traveled

Recently, I went to Nashville, IN. It has been over 15 years since my first visit. Known as an artist colony, I was disappointed to see that the town has turned into a mecca for mass-produced wares. I mean, I did enjoy the artists' studio which featured mixed-media art. Paul enjoys antique shopping, but the shops were far and few between. We planned on spending our three days shopping, hiking, and dining.
However, it rained on and off all three days, so we couldn't hike at the state park. Shopping took less time then planned. And, dining wasn't exactly, well, outstanding.
So, we took the road less traveled . . . to Bean Bloosom, IN. I saw an ad for an herb & flower garden with a luncheon cafe. Off we went on unchartered territory without a map. I mean, isn't that half of the fun?!
After 20 minutes, we turned into the gravel driveway, and me with camera in hand, jumped out of the car. Wow--I had finally found a place to photograph regardless of the dreary sky. The flowers, the plants, the landscaping, and the signs pointed the way to go. An hour later, we took our seats in the quaint cafe.
If it hadn't been for Paul, I would have never strayed from the town ~ he is MY road less traveled. My last visit to the psychiatrist didn't leave me a lot of hope; probably a series of ECT treatments to control the suicidal attempts/thoughts. Plus, seeing a new psychologist for the borderline personality disorder. This road I would rather travel less ~

worker bee

Most days I can relate to the worker bees. Busy gathering resources from different areas to keep myself and family on task. Then the next day, it all starts over again! Just for one day, I want to be the Queen Bee. Let everyone else gather and collect their own stuff--and mine, too! Why do I have to be so efficient or anal to meet my family's needs. My kids are grown and I need to stop managing them and tend to my needs. Tomorrow, I am going to OSU to see my psychiatrist and talk about new treatment options. Pray for me ~ Lori

Summer Daze or Cat Nap?

What a gorgeous summer day! Or, sometimes I call it "summer daze" as I daydream all afternoon or take a cat nap ~ However, the end of summer is near, which means shorter days and less light. Has anyone ever tried a special lamp to simulate sunshine? I think I will just try to travel one week, per month during the dreary, winter days. Any suggestions?

Today is a 5

Happy Sunday!

I haven't gone to church service all summer. But, I know this is not good for me. I went to my church today, because I am a teacher at our preschool. I had put off going, until the last minute. I helped prepare our classrooms for Open House, tomorrow. That's it. Two hours of getting "out of my head" felt good. The new medication is causing nausea(?) and takes until afternoon to wear off. But, I'm hopeful. Today is a 5 for me ~