To be crazy, or not to be crazy--that's my question

I have been told, I am not crazy for the way I "feel". See, the way I "feel" IS what makes me think I am crazy ~ Platitudes of "I promise you'll feel better. It just takes awhile for the medicine to start working in your system" just doesn't get me far today (and Dr. Baskin knows it!) Twenty years I have been a fairly compliant patient ~ I haven't experienced Oprah's "Aha" moment once, but several earth-shattering revelations ago. Because I attach feelings to moments in my life, I stay on constant receptor mode. Waiting for the next flood of emotion. Kelly told me that it is fairly symptomatic of the borderline personality disorder.

I saw Kelly today because I had a mini-melt down yesterday. An increase in anxiety and paranoia, I heard "voices" and felt it necessary to end my life. It's just part of my overall plan for my "life". So in other words, yesterday SUCKED ~ and today's not much better. Made worse by the fact that my family is tired of being "understanding". Yes, they know that I have been in new treatment for about a month, "but, hell, shouldn't you be better by now." If I have to explain it once more, I'll puke. The roller coaster of my life (mind) travels all day, every day, months, years. It is all I can remember. I pray others can see my existence differently, maybe, softer around the edges.

I feel cracked, chipped, and worn down. A broken mirror of myself.

The road less traveled

Recently, I went to Nashville, IN. It has been over 15 years since my first visit. Known as an artist colony, I was disappointed to see that the town has turned into a mecca for mass-produced wares. I mean, I did enjoy the artists' studio which featured mixed-media art. Paul enjoys antique shopping, but the shops were far and few between. We planned on spending our three days shopping, hiking, and dining.
However, it rained on and off all three days, so we couldn't hike at the state park. Shopping took less time then planned. And, dining wasn't exactly, well, outstanding.
So, we took the road less traveled . . . to Bean Bloosom, IN. I saw an ad for an herb & flower garden with a luncheon cafe. Off we went on unchartered territory without a map. I mean, isn't that half of the fun?!
After 20 minutes, we turned into the gravel driveway, and me with camera in hand, jumped out of the car. Wow--I had finally found a place to photograph regardless of the dreary sky. The flowers, the plants, the landscaping, and the signs pointed the way to go. An hour later, we took our seats in the quaint cafe.
If it hadn't been for Paul, I would have never strayed from the town ~ he is MY road less traveled. My last visit to the psychiatrist didn't leave me a lot of hope; probably a series of ECT treatments to control the suicidal attempts/thoughts. Plus, seeing a new psychologist for the borderline personality disorder. This road I would rather travel less ~

worker bee

Most days I can relate to the worker bees. Busy gathering resources from different areas to keep myself and family on task. Then the next day, it all starts over again! Just for one day, I want to be the Queen Bee. Let everyone else gather and collect their own stuff--and mine, too! Why do I have to be so efficient or anal to meet my family's needs. My kids are grown and I need to stop managing them and tend to my needs. Tomorrow, I am going to OSU to see my psychiatrist and talk about new treatment options. Pray for me ~ Lori