rainy days seem to hurt the worst

Spring is on it's way as it ushers in a rainy, March day. Having to leave my warm, dry home is the worst. But for me, this is the first public commitment I have made in two years. I went to a women's bible study. I am 54 years old, and have been to many a bible study, so this is not a new adventure for me. I have been working on it the past couple of days. It is about overcoming spiritual obstacles. So needless to say, the knife of guilt started twisting in my stomach. The self centeredness, humiliation, self-exaltation, pridefulness, faultfinding, and everything else I had conjured up in mind mind of wrongdoing. Oh, that is what the study is on, not me! We went over some fairly common Perils of Pride out of the bible. Between the BPD and childhood PTSD, I was feeling misunderstood without opening my mouth. Why, that is how I receive my back-handed self-esteem. Tricks I learned in life's survival manual for someone with a weak forehand. After I swallowed my pride, I decided to give the discussion a chance before making a final judgment. I was being tested out of the starting gate--Lord, give me strength! The leader brought up an example of a 40-year-old woman who had recently committed suicide. (The ultimate act of selfishness!!) I stated that I had survived three suicide attempts, much to my dismay. She didn't know this and could tell she was on rocky ground. I told the group that I never felt less than a believer of Christ and it was His will that I was still here. Suicide is not the ultimate act of selfishness--ignorance and intolerance are. Just bc you don't live it, doesn't mean it's not real, just like other incurable illnesses. I stood up for myself and my cause. What more could turn the gray skies sunny!!